How Could You
by ImOutOfMyMind
Summary: Set after MEET KEVIN JOHNSON. Sawyer returns from the Barracks. Kate falls suddenly ill- and who else can be blamed for it but Juliet? Rated T because I said so. Jacket, Skate.Will be long when I'm done I hope . R&R, please! FINISHED!
1. Prologue

PROLOGUE

Kate stands off by herself in the sunshine of late afternoon. The surf touches her toes, if barely, but despite the weather she shivers. She lets her mind wander from one thing to the next, but nothing important. She lets the surf rise, come up around her ankles. She's sinking, sinking into her thoughts, the ones that push into her mind even when she forces them out. It seems he is always in her mind, like he was glued there. It's aggrivating, especially since she wants to stop feeling guilty. Should she feel guilty? The way Jack looks at Juliet.. she wonders sometimes whether it would be better to go back, where she knows he'll be, and live with something that is always constant. The sand covers her feet, but she keeps still, hands in the pocket of a too-large sweatshirt.

Should she go back? He'll be waiting. She knows him well enough to be sure when she thinks he'd be happy to have her. He is, after all, always happy to have her. Maybe, though, he's bad for her. If he's bad, and they're alike- does that make her bad? Surely not. And yet she knows, with a heavy heart, that she's just as bad as he is. That the blood of Wayne runs deep in her blood and cannot be removed. That part of what she is, part of what she will always be, is part of what he used to be.

Should she stay? Things at the beach are relatively calm, and dependable. There's food, and it's no different than it has always been on the island.

And yet, things will never be the same. Charlotte and Dan are here now, and the people who went to the barracks are gone. Also, Juliet and Sun's constant arguments aren't usual. Besides which, just Juliet being there makes her uncomfortable. Why hasn't she left for the Temple? Jack says she isn't one of them, but she will always be That Lady With A Bag to Kate. That Jack could possibly even be in love with her... it was inconcievable. Just because her name was Juliet didn't mean he had to be Romeo. But then, it wasn't just the way he looked at her. That would be bad enough- but no. The way she looks at him. She cares about him and there's nothing Kate can do to change it. That fact alone makes her want to go back to the Barracks.

It has been three days since she left Locke and the others the Barracks. Three days since she left Sawyer behind. For three days, she has been agonizing over her choice to leave. He often says things he doesn't mean… but he had never hurt her like that before. All the same, she wishes he was here. When she was around him, worry didn't exist. He didn't just appear- he filled the room; filled the space with his being. He was just so - so there.

She closes her eyes, and suddenly, a strong hand grasps her shoulder. She spins to face him- and gasps out loud.

"**James?**"


	2. Bittersweet Reunion

All of the bitterness, all of the fear, just evaporates at his touch. She melts into his arms, and he hugs her closely. Warmth spreads from her arms throughout her body; radiates from her heart. She pulls away from him, but her arms stay around his neck and his around her waist. He gazes at her carefully, as if making sure she is really there, really alright. Being with him again is rediculously good for her, and she forgets why she was upset with him in the first place.

She leans forward, on her toes, and kisses him gently. He looks pleasantly suprised. "What happened?" She asks, noticing his black eye and tired expression.

"Nothing," he replies, quickly. "I said something Mr. Clean didn't like and he kicked me out. It's nothing." He repeats, narrowing his eyes before asking, "What about you? What happened here?" She sighs and rests her head against his chest. A lot happened in three days, she thinks. Something I don't know about seems to have happened between Jack and That Lady With A Bag and I don't want him near her, I worried about you, I followed Dan and Charlotte into the jungle, got knocked out by her, ran into Jack and Juliet, followed Jack when she disappeared, and then followed Charlotte into the Tempest to see if she was telling the truth about them disabling the gases and saving all our lives. But instead, she says, "Nothing important." The adrenaline from seeing him again is wearing off. She is suddenly tired, and achy. She hadn't realized it, but she hadn't eaten all day.

Her eyes widen, and he steadies her with one hand. She feels, suddenly, like she's moving- rushing toward something; seemingly unable to focus her eyes on anything. For a moment, she is confused. Then, the panic sets in.

She feels something that is almost alive- another mind- inside her own. It flashes memories at her through her open eyes.

Wayne returning. Wayne and her mother going at it in their bedroom, when she got up for water during the night. Wayne advancing on her when she was home alone. Wayne grabbing her shoulder when she woke up one night. Wayne saying, after she screamed, then, "Shhh, Katie, it's just me...". Wayne's hands on her waist. Wayne's hands all over her, hurting her, scaring her. Wayne using her, using her thirteen-year-old body for his own pleasure. Wayne taking from her what any woman should be able to give to the man of her choice. Wayne, her father, laughing as she cried out. Wayne, leaving her in her bed, bleeding, in pain, and cold, her pants still down. Wayne, smirking at her every day after that, at any meal. Wayne, hitting her mother when she told him to be nice to her. Wayne, using her mother because no matter what, Diane loved him. Wayne. Wayne, everywhere.

And then, finally, Wayne speaking through Sawyer, through the man she loved, as he lay sick in bed.  
"Why did you kill me?" His voice, unmistakably. "WHY DID YOU KILL ME?!"

"Kate?" She hears his voice from what feels like a long way off, in a different world, maybe another universe entirely. She is floating, falling through space. A black haze invades the corners of her eyes, and she struggles against it. It's like drowning with no ability to move her limbs. The haze moves into her brain, and the last thing she sees is his frightened, pale blue eyes. Those eyes, the ones that still, even as she lay still in his arms, unconscious, radiated on the back of her eyelids. Those eyes.


	3. Aftermath or Soloution?

Her body goes limp in my arms, and I panic. In the moments before her collapse, her eyes locked onto mine. She needed help; she was panicking, and she couldn't struggle against whatever it was that was ravaging her, even now.

I scoop her up in my arms and try to be gentle as I run towards the camp.

Jack sees me before I say anything. I reach him within seconds. "What the hell happened?" He asks. He takes her legs and we carry her to the infirmary tent. "She just-dropped." I can barely recognize my own voice.

She lies on the cot, pale and defeated. Her pale lavender eyelids flutter, like she's seeing things in her sleep. If it can be called sleep, that is. Jack disappears from the tent. I take her hand in my own shaking one; it is cold and fragile. "Don't worry," I say, kneeling next to her. "The doc will fix you." She groans softly and rolls over, pulling her hand from mine…

...…

Jack walks briskly towards me, looking, unsurprisingly, angry. His eyes, dark and foreboding, are unreadable as rock. "What did you do to her?" He asks, his voice cold. I can only blink at him. "Who?" He starts to look vaguely frightened, but only in body language. He struggles to keep his face cold. "Kate." I feel my stomach drop. "I don't know what you're talking about, Jack." He glances furiously back at the tent, then at me, making me uncomfortable. "Kate just passes out-like Claire did- and you're telling my you don't know anything about it?"

"No." I try to look less confusing than I am, and try to stay calm. "Do you want me to take a look?" I offer, "I could..." but he interrupts me with a glare. Why doesn't he believe me?

"Don't give me that, Juliet. Just tell me what I have to do."

"Look, I don't even know her symptoms- how am I.." he interrupts me again. "Come on."

I swallow the lump in my throat. What has happened?

And why is it being blamed on me?

.;..;..;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;

How could she do this to me? I trusted her. If she was going to hurt someone, why Kate? Why not me?

She is taking measurements, looking genuinely confused. The thing that hurts the most is that she's a fantastic liar. Now I know, if I ever feel anything for her again, it will be wrong.

Someone once told me that love is never wrong. Not true at all. Love is always, always wrong.

I realize with a cold certainty that Sawyer is glaring at me, like this is my fault. And for trusting Juliet, it is my fault. I look away.

Juliet turns to face me. "I know what it is," she says. Sawyer, looking angry, mutters, "Big surprise."

Although I agree with him, I say nothing.

"But it's not what you think," she adds.

I say nothing, knowing silence kills her inside.

Although I know it's wrong, I want nothing more than to hurt her, now.

"I've seen this before. We think it has something to do with the fruit on the island. Has she…"

Finally, I interrupt her. "The truth, Juliet." I make my voice as hard and cold as possible.

She swallows, but forces her eyes to lock on mine. "I'm telling the truth, Jack."

Without warming, Sawyer leaps up and holds her against the palm tree holding the tent up.

"What'd you do to her?" He hisses. She says nothing, looking strangely calm.

She glances at me with watery blue eyes that are sad and joyful, all at once. Eyes that threaten to resume their nub-warm grip on my heart.

I look away, again.

"Sawyer, get out." I have to deal with this on my own. He doesn't react.

"Get. Out." He glares at me, but releases her and exits the tent, cursing under his breath.

Juliet turns to follow him, but I grab her elbow.

"Do what you have to do," I say.

She looks back at me, the hope in her eyes making it harder and harder to resist her. "You believed me the whole time?" I turn away, unable to meet her gaze. "No." I am silent for a moment. "Just do what you have to do and get out," I say. She rifles through my bag of collected medication, chooses a bottle, and pops it open.

Two pink pills, small in her hand, she hands to me. Her fingers, shaking and cold, brush my palm. My heart is in my throat.

"Give these to her," and she leaves, quietly. I stare after her for a moment. Kate shifts, and her hand falls over to edge of the cot.

I shake her awake, and she looks at me, confused. My heart feels empty, and my arms feel like lead. I hand her bottled water and the pills. She manages to ask me, "What happened?"

"Just relax for now, okay? Take these, and you'll feel better."

She obeys with a sour face, and lies back down, her eyes fluttering slightly.

Within moments, her breathing is regular, and she seems asleep, so I step outside.

There, Sawyer is waiting, and I tell him what he needs to hear.

"She'll be fine," I say, and the look on his face then makes me want to kick something, scream, or cry, all at once.

He steps inside, and I try to forget the whole thing.

It's not as easy as it sounds.


	4. Don't Leave

Now, it's my turn to watch her

Now, it's my turn to watch her. She's so beautiful when she sleeps- so peaceful. Jack said she'd be okay.

One eye opens, then the other. She stares at me for a moment, her eyes hazy, but then they clear, green and gold, and she gives me a weak smile. "Hey."

"Hey, Freckles. You had be scared for a second, there."

She tries to sit up, but she pales and falls heavily back down onto the cot.

I take her hand in mine- it is cold and clammy, small and fragile.

"I have to get out of here, James," she says.

The only person on this planet who can say my name like that

Is her.

I understand her need to run, so I scoop her up, again, in my arms. I set her down against a palm tree. In the dying light of the day, she, leaning against the palm tree, looks like she should be on a postcard.

I turn to leave, but she grabs my arm as I rise from the ground.

"Don't leave me alone," she says.

And I understand. She wants to be with me. I want to be with her. I want her to feel better, so I sit down beside her.

After a moment, the sun begins to set, and she leans into me.

"Don't leave me alone," she repeats, her eyes fighting to stay open.

I stroke her hair.

"Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere."

…………;;;;;;;;;;;;…………;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;………..;;;;;;;;;;;;;;………..

I approach the silhouette in the failing light, the salty wind stinging my eyes.

Her hair blows out behind her. The air is cold and dry, but she wears a short-sleeved shirt, facing, unblinking, into the wind.

I want her to forgive me- for doubting her, for yelling at her, for hurting her… and most of all, for loving her.

But we both know that's an unforgivable sin.

"Hey," I say. By now I've gotten used to being impossibly awkward around her. To me, it always looks like Sawyer was born to talk to women. I envy only that of him. Unsurprisingly, she doesn't answer. She blinks, once, twice, but remains silent.

"Kate's awake," I confirm. If she knew she was right she probably already knew Kate would wake up and be fine, but I have to say it.

She doesn't reply.

"She's a little dizzy, but fine otherwise."

The waves crash against the shore. To me it sounds like my heart slowly ripping in two. Why won't she even say something? Forgiveness is possible, I decide- but people never forget.

I cut to the chase, since I have nothing to lose. "I came to thank you,"

This gets her attention. She looks at me over her shoulder, incredulous. "For what?"

Her voice is sharp, and it stuns me. I don't know what to say, so I say nothing.

She turns and walks within an inch of me. Her cheeks are red from the wind, but her eyes are red from something else. Crying? The salt? Her eyes are no longer joyful as they were before- only hurt and strangely dignified. She takes pain very well.

"I'm leaving," She says.

I don't know what to say. Again.

She begins to walk away. I get the feeling I'm losing something I shouldn't let go…

/FLASHBACK\\

"This place is crazy- I'm going… I'm going crazy…"

Kate is crying. The jungle is around us, thick and forbidding.  
"No, hey, it'll be okay…" She struggles to get away, but I won't let her.

For a moment, she is in my arms, crying into my chest. She pulls away

And our eyes meet.

And then, she kisses me. Or I kiss her. Who knows how these things start?

When she pulls away, she looks like she can't believe what she's done.

She walks backwards a few steps, and then starts running.

As soon as I can speak, I call after her.

"Kate…"  
I had lost her, at that moment. She chose him, not me. I let her go.

/BACKTOREALITY\\

I grab her arm, and she whips around to face me, tears in her eyes. She looks as if she's going to melt down in front of me. I don't need that again.

"Don't go," I say. I sound pathetic, even to myself.

"Why? You need me, right? Why? Because I'm one of them?"

She's crying now, the tears tracking down her cheeks.

"No," I say. "I need you to stay because I love you."

Her expression changes. To disbelief, to relief, and then finally to the sad-joyful I am used to. It is silent for what feels like hours but is probably only moments.

She meets my eyes, and I know. I know that even when I had said the same thing to Kate, it hadn't been true. I had wanted to believe I still loved her because I knew I could never love Juliet.

But against all odds, I do.

Everything else melts away. She leans forward, and I kiss her.

She lets me, but it is quick. She's bittersweet; she leans her head on my chest.

She doesn't cry. I think she's done with that. Instead, she sighs softly and looks back up at me. The wind is picking up, but the sun is gone. Her hair whips into my face, the strands that have come free from her tie joined quickly by others.

"I'll come back," she says. And when our eyes meet again, I know it's true. She was angry, but her idea had a purpose beyond frustration at me. Instead of demanding an explanation, I nod at her, swallowing a lump in my throat and forcing myself to blink my tears back.

She begins to pull away; she turns, begins to walk- and stops, turning back towards me.

"Jack?" She says. It isn't a question, not really. I don't say anything. After a short pause, she says, with finality,

"I love you, too."

--3--


	5. Like Father like Daughter

My mind is cloudy when I wake, in my own tent, but I realize I'm not alone

My mind is cloudy when I wake, in my own tent, but I realize I'm not alone. I can hear breathing, rhythmic and slow, in one corner. I creep closer on my hands and knees, until I can see that it is Sawyer. He seems to have fallen asleep sitting. His blonde hair falls over his face, but he stirs a little, as if he can tell I'm awake. I remember things, in bits and pieces- last afternoon, when he came back, the mind inside my own, plucking my memories and replaying them, over and over. Passing out, Jack and the pills, and finally, sitting at the beach with Sawyer. But that's it- I can't remember how I got to the tent.

He wakes, blinking methodically. He flashes me a dimpled smile, rubs his eyes, and says, "Mornin', Freckles." He's still tired, even I can see that. His eye is less swollen today, but it still looks painful. I reach out, on instinct, and feel the bruise around it carefully. It is hot, which probably either means it's infected or it's healing. He grabs my hand, too quickly for me to object, and pulls me close to him in a one-of-a-kind, bear-like hug. "I'm glad you're feelin' better," He says. "I am, too." And I am, although something is bothering me. It's like I have something itching at the back of my mind. And then, when he kisses me, softly and then harder, the voice, deep and monotonous, breaks us apart.

"Finally, some action." I pull away, panicking. Who could it be? But nobody is there. "Did you hear that?" I ask, although I'm almost positive I already know the answer. "Hear what?" I settle back onto his shoulder. "Nothing, never mind. Where were we?" He smiles at me, and in my mind there is a gravelly, rumbling, choking noise. A laugh.

Once again, my memories begin to flash. The voice pulls at the fibers of my brain, takes it's pick, and plays my memories as if it's a movie theater.

My first encounter with Sawyer- the polar bear.

"I'm a complex guy, sweetheart." His voice echoes hollowly, and the words mean nothing.

Then, every time he's ever called me Freckles. Over and over, I hear his voice. Sometimes sarcastic, sometimes angry, and sometimes, loving. My ears ring.

Then, finally, me. Me, in his arms, in the cages. Me in his arms, in the Barracks, in his tent.

The moment I finally realized, with a jolt, that I loved him more than I had ever loved anything or anyone in my life before.

My memories become a haze, and the voice laughs, mocking me. "You did good, huh?" Since only I can hear the voice, in my head, I say, "_Who ARE you?_"

Sawyer looks worried, but I can't worry about that right now.

"You don't know? Katie, it's me. It's your father."

The laughing continues, even as I slip into unconsciousness.

My last thought it this- My dead father is in my brain, replaying my memories. He knows everything- and somehow, I don't have any control anymore.

I'm crazy, and nobody will believe my story.

The world fades into blackness, and the last thing I feel is Sawyer's hands on my face, his voice far away, and saying things I don't understand.


	6. Answers

The air is cold, and I begin to wonder why I didn't pack a sweatshirt

The air is cold, and I begin to wonder why I didn't pack a sweatshirt. I know I don't have much time, but if I'm going to make good time, I can't stop to rest. Kate may not last much longer. It bothers me that I know what's wrong with her, only I don't know how to explain it. Until I know how to fix her, I won't tell Jack.

I make it to the Barracks in record time, my legs hurting from the sprint. I'm glad I was a track-team runner in high school; otherwise I wouldn't have been able to get there before the sun rose. I still have at least a half-hour. I catch my breath and look around. The houses are all silent and dark, but even I can tell someone lives here now. The horseshoe-throwing kit is out, in Ethan's yard. The grass is cut in Harper's. And my house is the only one with a single light on- the one in my bedroom.

I'm glad to see that Locke has let Ben out; otherwise I would have had a hard time getting answers. It's only relatively creepy that he's sleeping in my bed, and, knowing Ben, he did it because he knew I'd come back. Even if he didn't know why. I approach the bedroom window slowly, taking a handful of pebbles from the gravel drive before I reach it. I look up, and aim a pebble at the window. I am rewarded with a satisfying 'chink', and his face appears at the window moments later.

When I see his face again, I am reminded of the past two hours- the agonizing over Jack. He loved me…and I loved him… but that's not good at all. Especially when Ben is so good at finding out things I don't want him to. "Juliet! What a pleasant surprise!" His voice is irritatingly high-pitched and reminds me of my first boyfriend, in ninth grade. The one that turned out to be gay. He smirks at me, and I cross my arms. "I'll be right down," he says.

True to his word, the moment I reach the door, he opens it, looking flustered and strange with his button-down shirt open a few holes. Ugh. He ushers me into my house, and I take a seat on the orange couch. He sits next to me, very close. Too close. I can smell his cologne, and it smells like the one Goodwin left here a few months ago. I try to ignore it.

"I need answers," I say. This is true enough, but it might be the only truth I tell tonight. He smiles and casually puts an arm over my shoulder. I resist the urge to punch him in the face. "Okay, go." I take a deep breath. "Do you remember Lance? Do you remember how sick he was?" Lance was already sick when I arrived three years ago- he had memory flashes, or something, but mostly he kept passing out, and saying some voice was in his head. I know the symptoms. Ben's face darkens, and his shoulders tense.

"Yes. We cured him, but he didn't believe us…" Lance committed suicide three days after I arrived. I swallow dryly and try to calm down. "What did you do to cure him?" Ben glances at me suspiciously. "Why?"

"I think," I lied, as convincingly as possible, "It will help the pregnant women, but I'm going to test it on Sun first."

He relaxes visibly. He explains the whole procedure, which is relatively simple, and I nod when he finishes. He looks at me carefully before he says, "I'm going to have to kill Jack."

Maybe my plan isn't going so well. "What?" My heart stops, and starts up again when he puts his free hand on mine. "I'll show you to the door." My mind works furiously as I follow him, and then I notice the gun in his pants. This gives me a sickening, genius plan. The only way to keep Jack alive is to kill Ben, and I have known this for a long time. But I finally have a way out.

We reach the door, and as I step outside, I turn back towards him and do the only thing I can think of to get that gun. I kiss him.

At first he's surprised, but he ends up kissing me back; his lips cold, chapped, and insistent. I run my hands down his back and finally, reach the gun. I pull it from him and slip it behind me, into my own jeans. He doesn't seem to notice. I pull away, fighting to urge to throw up all over him. He looks way too happy. I take a step back, and his face falls.

"Stay, Juliet. Stay with me." I almost run in the other direction, but I keep my feet planted firmly on the ground.

I begin to doubt my brilliant plan. I don't know if I can do this. I've known him for three years, and he's been so good to me in some ways. But if I can't kill him, he'll kill Jack. And that's not going to happen. I realize I'm crying.

"I can't. I- I'm sorry, Ben."

His face contorts into rage, then. His voice rises. "If I can't have you, nobody can!" He hisses, reaching for the gun. That's right. The one I took.

Now!

A gun shoots, but it's not his.

A body falls, but it's not mine.

I run as quickly as I can as far as possible, but not quickly enough. I still hear his death cry- "Juliet, no!" And then a choking noise. A gagging, a liquidy cough, and then silence. Benjamin Linus has just choked on his own blood. Betrayed from within by none other than the woman of his choice- me.

I continue running. By the time I reach the camp, I'm crying uncontrollably. My throat burns, and I stumble onto the beach where I left Jack. He's still standing there, pacing. He notices me and turns, baffled.

I attempt to explain what happened, but all I manage is a strangled cry, and I collapse on the sand.

Within moments, I am in his arms, sobbing into his chest. For a while he just holds me, waiting for me to calm down, rocking me back and forth slightly, and whispering in my ear that everything will be okay. When I can talk again, I thank him.

"It's nothing," He says. "What happened?" I look down at my feet, then back up at him. The sand is hard and cold underneath me, but he is warm, and close enough for me to hear his heartbeat. "I know how to fix Kate," I say, and he looks happy. "But… Ben… I… I killed him." The last part I gasp out, the tears coming again.

He looks at me strangely.

"I- I had to! He was… he was going to kill you…"

He laughs, and hugs me close.

When we pull away, he says, "Its okay. It was going to happen…just relax. Okay?"

I duck my chin, and suddenly, he tips my head up with one finger.

"I knew you'd come back," he says, and then he kisses me, as the dawn breaks.


	7. Sexist Pig, or Southern Pervert?

I don't panic quite as badly this time, but her unconscious body in my arms is relatively uncomfortable. For some reason I end up pulled her close, holding her, listening to her heart beat. I pick her up and begin to move her out of her tent, when her eyes suddenly open. I freeze as she stares up at me, confused, and then panicky.

Of all the people to be panicking right now… honestly. She grimaces and something in her eyes turns feral. Almost hunted, lucid, and not quite real. I feel her heartbeat quicken and I'm scared for her, even though I know that will do no good. She screams loudly, "Leave me alone!"

I can't remember making her upset, but her words sting anyway. I just want to help her, and I want her to know that. She yelps and begins to struggle. I try to calm her down, (It's okay, come on, please, PLEASE, calm down, FRECKLES PLEASE!) but give up and end up holding her pinned to the ground. I don't want to hurt her, but if that's the only way to keep her from hurting herself, I will.

"Get off me, you sexist pig!" Ouch. I don't understand her reasoning there, and if she wasn't half-crazy, I probably would've made a joke about that, but instead I grumble to myself and shift my weight. Her knee comes up and nails me in a bad spot. I roll off of her in the blinding, eye-watering pain that follows.

When I can see her again, I stand up, if somewhat shakily. She's stronger than she looks, but now she's got me angry, if not at least completely panicked. That seems to be a theme lately- panic. "Dammit, Freckles, calm down!"

"Get away from me, Wayne!"  
"Wayne? Who th' hell…?"

She ignores my question and stands stock still, her eyes still bright and alert, and her curly brown hair falling over her shoulders. I grab one of her arms, but she yanks it free. "Please…" She sounds desperate; her eyes are tearing up. "Leave me alone."

I want her back so badly that it hurts. I want her to be okay again and even though I'm sure that she won't understand this, I say, "I just want to help you, Kate." The emotion in my own voice startles me; I didn't mean to sound half as scared as I am.

I reach out, but she swats my hand away. The sting of her hit reminds me of our first kiss; the negotiation and when I had told her that I didn't have the meds for Shannon after all. She begins to run in the other direction, and, feeling as if I have no choice, I run after her.

It's like she's some sort of super-magnet. She leads me up towards the cliffs, seagulls scattering as I climb after her. At the highest point, I'm huffing and puffing like some big bad wolf, and she seems to be not even out of breath. She looks back at me resignedly, then down at the water, a good fifty feet below the cliff's edge.

By the time I realize what she plans on doing, I'm too late.

"No!"

She jumps out, feet first, from the cliff. I rush to the edge and with a sickening jolt realize that she has jumped out onto an area surrounded by sharp, slippery rocks, and shallow water. I can't see her anywhere.

"Kate!"

I can't lose her, not like this. I won't let her go.

I choose a spot where there are fewer rocks, and I can't see the bottom of the water. I dive after her.

As I fall through the air towards almost certain death, I realize that I regret nothing.


	8. Hey, Doc

Her arm brushes mine slightly as we walk back to the camp, but I can't help but notice that she seems pale. I wonder if she's in shock, and then decide it's entirely possible.

By the time we reach the camp, I've decided on what to say. "Juliet?" She glances at me, and stops walking. "Yes?"  
"Why don't you get some sleep? You look…tired."  
She laughs and says, "I'm fine, Jack, but thanks anyway."

Her stubbornness reminds me of me, but I have to laugh, because she does look better now, and I may have been too overprotective. I look down at the sand, trying to figure out what to say, and suddenly her hand is on mine.  
"I'm no more tired than you are," She says, and I know it's not true, but I pretend it is, just for a moment.

"I'm going to find Kate and see how she is," I decide out loud, and she nods. "I'm going to eat something," she replies. Maybe I was wrong? She seems tired again, and I wonder how it changed in a moment.

I walk slowly towards the tent, reliving the past twelve hours. For so long I've ached to tell Juliet how I feel… when she's near me, or when she speaks to me, or when I think of her, even, I feel like my heart is on fire. It just took a little push- the idea that she would leave and never know- for me to admit it all.

I push back the flap of the tent and step back in surprise when I realize that it's empty. Four o'clock is too early in the morning for her to be awake… so where is she? If anyone knows, it's going to be Sawyer.

But when I check, his tent is empty, too. I curse loudly and turn to find Juliet watching me, holding two bowls of oatmeal. "What?"

"They're gone. Kate and Sawyer."

She understands immediately why that's bad, or at least she fakes it very well.  
She looks down at the ground like she's trying to decide what to say, and then her brow furrows, and she sets down the bowls.

"Jack? They didn't make our job very hard," she says. When I look down, I understand what she meant- two sets of footprints lead in the other direction, on the beach.

Wordlessly, I follow them. Behind me I can hear Juliet's soft footsteps, and then she says, quietly, "They were running." I don't know why, but the idea is nauseating. Once I realize we're heading for the cliffs, I start running, as if that will help. By the time the sand stops and the rocks start, I see that there are places where the rocks are dislodged, like someone scrambled upwards in a hurry.

As I stop for a moment, Juliet passes me, and I continue behind her. We finally reach the topmost cliff, maybe fifty feet from the water below, and that is where the trail ends.

She looks around, but can't seem to find anything.

Then I realize where we should be looking, and the very thought of it makes me want to choke. I step to the edge of the cliff, and behind me I know Juliet has stopped and is watching me. I lean over, and then I gasp.

The rocks below are deadly. The only way they could have stopped the trail here is to jump… which must mean they're both dead. As I try to absorb this fact, Juliet comes up behind me, and touches my arm.

"Look," she says, and one word is enough. I follow her gaze. Down by the water is a pebbled beach, maybe half a mile wide. Farther down the beach lay two bundles, close together.

"Kate and Sawyer," I breathe. The panic is gone, and now a sort of doctorly calm sets in, as we climb carefully down the cliff to reach the strip of beach.

I reach them first… and I take my time, because I am afraid of what I will find.

Suddenly one of the bundles moves; rolls over to reveal it's face.

"Sawyer." Juliet says, although it's not really necesary.

His face is bloody and swollen, but he's alive. He opens his eyes, grins, and says hoarsely, "Hey, doc."


	9. I'm Sorry UPDATED

For a moment I'd thought they were dead, but then Sawyer moved. When I saw it was him, my heart fell. For Jack, my heart fell, because it didn't seem that the other bundle was moving. Jack moved silently over to her, and turned her over, a traumatized expression on his face. For a minute, she seems to be dead, but then she gives a weak cough. Now his face relaxes, and he says under his breath, "She's alive."

I'm more relieved about it than I expected, maybe half as much as Jack. She hates me, so why am I relieved? I wish I could answer that, I think.

Sawyer, sliding into a sitting position, glares at him. "Of course she's alive. Didja think I would let her drown?" I can't help but laugh, but Jack just motions to me to help Sawyer up, and then scoops Kate into his own arms. Instead of the usual twinge of jealousy when he touches her, I feel pity, because I know what it's like to have someone you love die (Or in his case, be dying) in front of you.

As I try to help him walk, Sawyer grumbles, "I can walk, dammit." So I move out from under him, raising an eyebrow. "Really?"

He stumbles like a toddler, and I slide my shoulder back below his arm, and he leans onto me again with a sigh. "Guys, " Jack says, passing us and starting to climb.

Sawyer laughs. "Hey, don't worry, I ain't gonna steal your girl." I glare at him, but Jack keeps walking. "We need to get Kate back to camp," I explain, beginning the ascent. Sawyer's face goes serious. "Is she bad?" I want to tell him the truth, but I can't bring myself to do it.

"No," I reply carefully, "But she shouldn't be unconscious," and Jack interrupts me, "Also, her heartbeat is erratic." Sawyer looks grim for the rest of the trip, but he supports enough of his own weight for us to make good time to camp. I know what to do. I help him back to his tent, and then I stand there. He reaches into his bag and takes out a clean (to some degree) shirt, then glances up at me expectantly. I challenge him back with a grim look, and he gives in easily.

"What ya doin, Barbie?" I hate that nickname. "Telling you what to do- change and then go down the beach; while Jack's helping Kate I'm going to take a washcloth to your face. " He shakes his head 'no', and I add, "If I don't the cuts will get infected, and you'll have scars. He flashes a dimpled smile at me and says, "Fine, doctor." I know what to do to get him to listen- threaten his looks. I can see why any woman would fall instantly in love with him the moment she saw him, but for some reason he just doesn't excite me. Bad boys were never my type.

I head back towards the infirmary tent, where I can tell from his shadow Jack is bending over Kate. I stare for a moment, and he comes out of the tent, brow furrowed. I hate seeing him like this, his eyes clouded and his face sweaty. I don't want him to be stressed, but then again, like me, this is what he does. He fixes things. He notices me as he is bending down to get water from the 'tub', and he smiles palely. "I did what you said, but she's not any better. " I had known all along, at least since I saw her laying on the beach, bleeding, that the cure wouldn't work for this, too. If she had been awake now, she would be cured of the blackouts and hallucinations that I guessed were coming with them. I sigh deeply and force myself to meet his gaze.

I can't lie to him, so I tell him the truth- "Jack, that only worked for the blackouts. Her battering her body on the rocks- I can't fix that. " He looks scared, and then says quietly, and more to himself, "I can…. But not this time. She- she's really bad, Juliet." I want to hold him, tell him it's going to be okay, do something- but all I can manage is to touch his arm with my hand.

"I'm sorry," I say, and then I turn back to the beach where Sawyer is waiting.

And I am sorry, but I don't know what to do. I know how to clean a wound and bandage it, but I don't do things like he does. I'm not a doctor, not really.

Maybe I should've been a repo woman.

She can't die. If she does, I won't be able to stand myself. I have to be able to fix this. My hands work rapidly as I clean the cuts on her arms and legs and stomach, then carefully as I gauze the ones on her head. Her skin, where it isn't bleeding or bruised, is pale and clammy. Her eyes seem to twitch even when they're closed, which is scary to think about, but I try to ignore it. I had loved her once, and now I know I can't deny it. I just don't any more. I don't know why, but I know it was for the better. Maybe it doesn't make sense, but she and Sawyer are perfect together. She changed him for the good.  
And then, Juliet. I don't know what to think about her. I love her, and it's different than anything I've ever felt before- the passion from Achara is there, the 'bedside manner' from Sarah is there, and the melancholy, 'this is a bad idea' point is there, but then there's something else.

I dig in the back of the tent for a thermometer, water, and then, as a last resort, the rest of the heroin that we had tried to save Libby with so many months ago.

When I am done with that, I won't have anything to do, so I take my time. By the time I'm finished, I have checked her pulse three times, with each time it growing fainter, until now, when I can barely feel the blood pumping through her body.

"No," I say, through gritted teeth. Now that it's happening, I can't even believe it. Juliet seems to have known all along that this would happen."Kate, dammit. Don't give up. Kate… please."

The pulse is gone now, and I can feel the tears stinging the back of my eyes.

"I'm sorry…" I don't know why I apologize, but it works- her heart jumpstarts, and her eyes open, wide and confused.

I have never been so happy to see her eyes.  
But then, she opens her mouth and says, clearly,

" Who are you?"

--TBC--

UPDATE- I lengthened the chapter because it was crap, so yeah. I hope you're glad I didn't kill her… I would have, but I need her for my next fanfiction (which is in the planning stage, but doesn't have a title yet… as a preview, expect it to be a NEXT GENERATION story ! YES! I know, you're practically wetting your pants already, right? Okay, the first chapter of UNKNOWN NAME should be up in about two days…. Hang in there, guys!! Love ya! Keep reviewing!


	10. I Missed You

UPDATE- Sorry, guys… things have been a little crazy lately. My great uncle's dying because his kidneys are failing and he's refusing dialysis, it's my Easter today, and a few thousand other things that I'm sure you don't want to hear. On a better note, this fanfiction's almost done- there's this chapter and another, then the new one comes out!! So, enjoy! Read and review, please!

She hasn't been able to remember anything since she woke up. It's been four hours, and she's sitting quietly by the water, staring at her hands. Jack's tried everything- he told her about the crash, and about him, and about the rest of us and then he gave up. Juliet is trying to help him, now, because he's sure there's no hope for Kate, which is making him go a little crazy.

It's up to me, now, I think to myself. I take a few steps in her direction before she hears me, and then I stop as she glares at me. "Hey, Freckles." She stares at me as if she's trying to figure out who I am, and then she says; "You're the nickname guy, right? Sawyer?" I nod, and take this as an invitation to sit beside her. She is silent for a moment, her hair coming loose in strands from her bun as the salty wind buffets our bodies. Then she says, quietly, "Jack's given up on me, huh?" I nod again, since I don't really want to say it out loud, and she continues, watching my with those intense green eyes. To me she looks like a farmiliar stranger. "I want you to tell me everything, Sawyer." Even the way she says my name is different. I know Jack hasn't told her about us, because if he can help it, she never will.

I look down at my feet. "He stopped when the three of us and the…. Fat guy…. Were captured by those other people." I smile inwardly. " Yeah. The guy who was in charge of you when they put the two of us in cages, his name- " she interrupts me. " Us? In cages?" I nod, and continue, "His name was Tom," and she looks curious. " I… I think I remember that. Tom. Keep talking about Tom." I glance at her, trying to disguise the hope that she does, in fact, remember. And that if I keep talking, she'll remember the night our lives changed.

"Well…" I say, "I called him Mr. Friendly," this doesn't seem to help, so I launch into a description. "He was tall-ish, maybe an inch taller than me. He had brown eyes, and-" She interrupts me again, but this time she says it louder. "Tom! Oh! Oh, Tom… oh no. I killed him." I stare at her. "No, Kate, Hurley killed him with the car-" She interrupts again. I'm starting to panic. "The car! Oh! The tape, and the box, and the plane…" She's really not making any sense, and she looks like she's talking to herself. Then she glances up and catches my eyes, and she goes pale. "Who are you?"

Swallowing a lump in my throat, I reply, "Kate, it's me. Sawyer." She doesn't seem to understand, and I feel tears stinging at my eyes. I can't cry. She's never seen me cry, and it's not going to happen now. Instead, I sound desperate when I say, "Baby, it's me. James. It's me…" She seems to register this, and then a tear rolls down her cheek. It's as if I can see the memories rushing back to her, and I know she's scared, but I can't make myself move.

"James," she says. "Oh, James…" and she melts into my arms, sobbing loudly.  
I hold her, her arms wrapped around my neck, her tears soaking my shirt.

"James, " she says, her voice uneven, "I missed you so much."  
I push her away a little so I can see her face, and I realize she's back. Kate. The real Kate, the one I fell in love with in the first place. The way she says my name makes it sound like she's saying the name of an angel, and in a way, I am her angel. Her guardian angel.

I pull her into a short, soft kiss, and when we pull away, I say, "I missed you too, Freckes."

As the sun sets on the island, somewhere, the sun is coming up at home. And for the first time, all I want is for her to get there. To get safe; to get home. So Ihold her, as she falls asleep against me, understanding that I am the only one that knows her completely, and taking that responsibility happily.


	11. Where the Heart Is

"Kate's fine," I hear, and I turn, startled, to see a happily smiling Juliet. "Oh. Good." I can't think of anything to say, which seems to happen much too often with her. She catches my gaze and we fall silent for a moment, before I have an idea.

"Do you… want to go for a walk?" I know it's dark, but the moon will be out, and so will the stars. Enough light to see by, at least. She nods, and I walk with her, away from the camp. There's a campfire in the center of camp, where I can see Kate and Sawyer and Rose laughing, and then Daniel and Charlotte, talking in a corner.

It gets quieter as we get farther away, and it's cool outside. I'm glad I'd grabbed what could pass as a tattered bomber jacket, because I would be chilled otherwise. Then I realize that Juliet's arms are goosebumped, and I see her gritting her teeth against the wind. "Hey," I say brilliantly, "Hold on for a minute. "What?" She stops in front of me, taking her hair out of it's tie for a moment. I shrug off the jacket and slip it onto one of her arms, brushing my fingers on her shoulder as I do and feeling a jolt of electricity go up my arm. She pulls the jacket the rest of the way on and we continue walking.

She stops at a cluster of rocks, jutting out over the water, and points at the sky. "That's Venus," she says quietly. I look up, but all I see are stars. She's pointing to one in particular, one that burns blue. I look back at her, and she looks down from the star and catches my gaze.

Her eyes are as bright as Venus behind her.

"Jack," she says slowly, deliberately. "Thank you. Thank you for trusting me that I would come back… and thank you for waiting."

I smile at her, and reply, for once without hesitating, "Juliet, I would've waited forever for you."

She leans forward, and suddenly we are kissing softly. It is reminiscent of our first kiss, careful and full of feeling. I pull her closer and she deepens the kiss, her lips warm on mine. My hand is cupped around her neck, the other one down at her waist. Her hands drift downwards to my waist, and she entertwines her fingers in my belt loops, pulling me into her.

When she finally pulls away from me, we are both breathing hard, but I haven't felt this good in what feels like forever.

I kiss softly up her neck to her ear, and she wriggles free of my grasp, blushing like a teenager. "What…"

She's still blushing. "I'm ticklish there," she says, almost too softly for me to hear. I laugh and pull her into a hug. "Sorry," I say, and we keep walking for a little while longer. I reach the cliff from where we found Kate and Sawyer, and we both sit cross-legged on the soft grass, her gazing up once again at the stars, and me intently watching the waves roll in.

Somewhere out there, I think, someone is looking at the other end of this ocean and thinking about me sitting here, thinking of there. I want suddenly more than anything to be home, and am engulfed by a feeling of homesickness like I haven't felt since I was seventeen, and went to a camp for the summer.

I think of my mother, who must think she's lost both my father and I, and I want to be home with her, reassuring her that I'll never leave her again. I think of Sarah and wonder if she even knows I was on the plane, and I wonder whether she's really happy with the man who took her away.

Then I look next to me, and I realize something.

I have everything I need right here.

After all, home is where the heart is.


End file.
